I just had a conversation with someone very knowledgable. I basically just told them about the general issues i've been having. Really a lack of focus despite all the motivation in the world. I've tried game-ifying tasks, breaking tasks into smaller chunks, and every other productivity trick under the sun. I told them this and a few more minor details on top of that.
Eventually, they started to talk about an anecdote in their personal life with someone they know, and they started describing all types of shit that i never had once mentioned!! Like a literal fucking magic trick psychic crystal ball type shit, just laid out basically the last 6-7 years of my life. They mentioned an experience they had about incentivizing someone to do all their homework for 2 weeks, and in return a trip to disney land or some shit. By day three, the person in question went back to her old ways, despite the massive incentive they were really excited for!
This really caught my attention because it was very similar to alot of the things i went through during highschool and even now in college. My family would try desperately for me to do the things i needed to do, both positive and negative reenforcement, both the carrot and the stick. So hard i would try to maintain consistency with me working hard, but without someone literally staring me down and forcing me to work, i wouldnt work.
(on an unrelated note, dorbol kinda pointed out how the mind tends to spiral out of control, not completely suddenly go insane which i really agree with, just from personal experience)
They then mentioned how this can lead to the mind spiraling. This can also further lead to depression, nihilistic thoughs, feelings of being a failure, feelings of uselessness, life losing its luster and meaning, chronic procratination, and other shit like that. If you've read my previous posts, youd know that this is literally 100% of what i've been going through, which is fucking crazy because i never told them any of this other deep shit!!
Ultimately, from their experience, whats most likely the root issue is undiagnosed ADHD. This would explain sooooo fucking much of my life and thoughts, me being outcasted and bullied as a kid, me unable to consistently work hard at tasks and projects, the nihilism, the spiraling, the depression, the childhood trauma, the adult struggle, everything!! If the diagnosis is correct, this could literally change everything!! I've kinda always had a sneaking suspicion that i've had adhd afer doing some research over it's symptoms and drawing parralels to my own life, but now im taking it seriously. Ive immidately started to look for psychiatrists who have experience with undiagnosed adult ADHD and then move on from there.
I still have concerns though. For my entire life up until this point, i was under the assumption that i was 100% healthy. Besides me being overweight, Ive never had any broken bones, no real alergies, no major injuries, no diseases besides the flu and whatnot, I've never been to the hostpital, nothing! I've always been 100% health and im genuinely greatful for that.
Assuming true, it'll kinda be a big mental adjustment to view myself as 'disabled' or 'sick'. I will now have to start finding the answers to the philosophical questions about the state of conciousness and shit like that. I'll probably be on some sort of amphetamine and its gonna make me wonder: if the drug ultimately chanegs who i am, is post-medicine exto the real exto, or pre-medicine exto? How will i know the difference? Does that even matter? How will this affect my brain in the long term? How will my IQ be affected? Will life become fun again? Will i get the strength to stop procrastinating, to eat healthy, to persue my dreams, and to find my soulmate?
How much different would my life have played out if the doctor i had as a child came up with a different answer? If he had looked at me just a bit closer and said i had ADHD instead of dismissing the possibility, just how different my life could've been? The trauma, the bullying, the suicidal and homicidal thoughts i had as a kid (yes i had a fucked up childhood), my identity, my deep insecurities, all of that could've been so fucking different... Its alot to wrap my head around @w@