💊🧠 Good news! 📈😃

TL;DR alot of stuff on my mind, various things on my to-do list, new relationships, and no more depression

This one is pretty long so i’m just warning you x3

Now that its been over a month on the new adhd meds, i notice that my depression is more or less gone now! Legit, gone. Again, its like, the knowledge is still there, i know that i have some mental issues to work on, but i dont feel it as i used to, i’m no longer dwelling in a house of sadness. Idk what caused it concretely, idk how it went away _{(idk if its the adhd meds, if its the fact that i now know adhd was the root cause of my procrastination and stagnation, idk if its spiritual at this point, idk if its placebo, idk if its ‘the power of the mind’ or some shit)}, or how or if itll come back in the future. But at least for the time being, I feel good and optimistic nwn. It’s just something i gotta reflect on to ensure that for the rest of my life i’ll never feel like how i felt the last few months again.

I’ve also started to swim now that the pool is open again 🌴🏖. I wanted to write this down in case it goes somewhere, but, in the pool, in the deep end I would just simply lie on my back and float for a while. I noticed when just lying there still in the water, I was essentially meditating. _{If you dont know how to float on your back in the pool, basically you have to try to keep a full breath of air, as it is physically impossible to sink as long as you stay flat on your back, and you have lungs full of air}. Anyway I notice that i felt at balance, almost chemically, I feel healthy, i feel like exto so to speak. My nihilism congealed into absurdism in a way. When floating on the water with nobody else in the pool, I am essentially forced* to meditate. There is no phone to distract me, no sounds, I have to keep my eyes closed lest i stare directly at the Texas sun, and most importantly i Have to focus on my breathing, if i wanna keep my nose abouve water. I have to hold my breath, and then exhale at certain points in order to still breathe somewhat normally. While suspended in still and quiet waters, i am truly alone with my thoughts, i have nothing else to do but observe my thinking. _{Another thing i wanna just write down, back in 2024 i took therapy with my school and something profound that i remember is my counselor essentially telling me, when meditating, i need to focus on my breathing, and the goal isnt to try and think about something in particular, its to imagine all my passing thoughs as leaves, and theyre slowly flowing down a river. My job is to simply watch the river, watch the leaves rush on by, let that be my anchor. Dont try to fight it, just go back to my anchor and observe the leaves, and eventually, there’ll be no more leaves floating}. Idk, perhaps swimming is the thing that helps me mediate more! Ever since i was an infant, water always seemed to calm me down.

That reminds me of another issue of mine that i’ve been trying to figure out and resolve, im really unsure about the internal dichotomy between IRL me (My legal name) and online/internal me (Exto), I sometimes feel like im 1.5 people in the same body xD.

Ahh, last thing on my mind regarding mental health, recently i’ve been hanging out with a new friend i made IRL, from this local furry group. I dont really wanna get into specifics to protect his identity. Anyway, he drops this nugget on me that he wants to possibly start doing sexual stuff IRL with me and that’s completely got my head spinning xD in a good way. Now if you’ve ever interacted with me personally, you know that i make sexual jokes all the time, thats just a personality trait x3 But now that things are getting serious, its still alot to take in. Me making genuine friends IRL is already a super rare thing for me, my only friends that have were from high school, so for me to not only make a new one, but them actively wanting to be around me is so foreign and makes me feel so loved and appreciated! >w< Like, “you think im likable enough to want to be around me??” thats really new to me and i love it it. “Yeah, im a good enough person to make real friends, i’m not gonna be a loner my whole life, I am worthy of love and appreciation!”. Anyway, despite me being a virgin, imma go get tested anyway before hand just to be extra safe, though i dont think imma be engaging in any activity thats too intimate. And ye i know when its time imma be shy as fuck, and probably have my face buried deep in a pillow, but im excited, if not a lil nervous. This is completely new terrirory for me, so i dont know what to really expect, what could go wrong, etc. I just really hope me opening up this part of myself doesnt make things more complicated or awkward between us Especially because i have damn near ZERO sexual experience, but still, im sure this will be a great learning experience for me, imma learn a bit more about that part of my self, and best case scenario: i now have a fwb nearby, and this just makes our relationship grow even stronger!

Related to that, i also basically had to call my ex on the phone yesterday really because i needed to know his sexual history and at the time we were dating, i was far too afraid and emotionally unstable to handle knowing the truth. Even though i only received 1 bj from him, thats still introduced an element of risk, which is really the only reason why im gonna get tested for STI’s. But ye, I sent a text and the anxiety of awaiting a response for like 2 hours was absolutely dreadful, one of the reasons why i broke up in the first place xD Still though, when we did eventually call, i must say, things went literally better than best case scenario! Essentially i was able to properly communicate that i’ve completely forgiven him, he tells me he’s sorry for the things he’s done to me, and we just move on and catch up ^^. I’m really happy and this is exactly what i hoped for, now that i’m alot more mature and wise than how i used to be, and now that i’ve completely moved on from our relationship _{man time really does heal all wounds,} I think we can just push past all the shit that happened and just start from fresh, and continue to be friends again! It’s a phone call that was years in the making, but I finally have my closure, and i hope so does he. I hope we can just move on like mature adults and just be normal to eachother nwn. I just gotta be careful that i dont let emotions cloud my decision making, the LAST thing i want happening is me somehow gaining feelings again, but from what i can tell, i dont think that’s gonna be an issue anymore. I think on some level back then i used to look up to him and thats why i found him attractive initially, but now all that has went away xD. Which is good for me because now its far less likely i fall in love again, but not good because there might be a twinge of mean-spiritness in that mind of thinking. Oh well, only time will tell how it goes ^^. Btw yes i’m still single and if you’re somehow drunk enough to be interested in my crazy ass, call me~ 😎📞

Congrats you made it to the end!! None of this is really important, but its just something to note. Besidses all the things going on in my head right now, in terms of general not-important things on my mind, my focus is dealing with this speeding ticket i got and the courthouse, getting ready for the fall semester of school, figuring out how to make more money and getting out of debt, and working on my hobbies and projects like this raspberry pi 0 2 w i bought, docker, learning how to draw, mandarin, etc.