My brain right now is currently a foggy mess 😵‍💫

Just as a heads up, this is gonna be a really long and chaotic post ^^

First Half: Status Update

Lately, I’ve been going out and meeting with friends on the regular, which is awesome, and a nice change of pace! I am so sick of spending my weekends in my room xD 4th of July was fun too, I went to two parties, shot guns, got drunk, the usual x3 The day after I went to hang out with a friend of mine for his 21’st birthday, and we ended up getting drinks, me helping him through his depression, and giving eachother a ‘helping hand’ >w>. I just really hope that imma be able to successfully help him in the things he’s struggling in. I swear lately I’ve been getting my dick played with at least once a week and I’m Loving it >W<.

I also got another job! so technically this would be my fourth source of income I’m life-guarding again, so hopefully I can start putting my money towards things I need like car maintenance, actually saving money, etc. The swimming test this time around was actually pretty easy now that I learned to take it very slowly to avoid burning out early, and I just basically did a review on the shit I did last year, like CPR, SMR, etc. I notice that the company is starting to crack down a bit on their policies, introducing shit like a point system for lateness, presumably from all the teenagers pulling no call no shows xD

Another thing, I’ve been working towards is my various computer projects. I got a used chrome book, and imma just add it to the pile of various electronics that I have NO idea what imma do with xD. I’m deciding on if I wanna dockerize extocine.com and host all the files on Github or something, deciding if I wanna dockerize my AI software, and trying to decide on what to do with my various devices. I have a raspberry pi 4 I don’t use, a Pi 0 2 W, and a mini PC. I’m thinking of making one into a Bazzite machine for streaming games from my main PC, have one as some sort of networking tool like a VPN or something to do with TOR or a KVM or some kind of server, perhaps a minecraft server, and then make one into an off-site storage device, probably for backing up my system. I only really say a bazzite install because I recently bought a new really high quality gaming controller, the 8Bitdo Ultimate 2, and I absolutely love the thing! I don’t care if I sound like an ad, it genuinely is a wonderful controller, and is insane how it only costed me like $45 xD Speaking of which, I’m also trying to force myself to finally finish getting my CompTIA A+ certification because I’ve been procrastinating on that for too many years and better to do it now than later when school’s gonna get in my way x3

Ooo! I also recently purchased a new firearm for pocket carry, the Smith & Wesson Bodyguard 2.0, its a 380 ACP Pistol that has a 10+1 capacity with its flush-fit magazine, or a 12+1 capacity with its very slightly extended mag. I love its small form factor, and stupid light weight making it really easy to conceal, but also being super ergonomic with a good grip, good striker-fire trigger, and good recoil impulse. I frickin love this thing >w< Idk what imma purchase next though, probably a Glock 19 Gen3 (or a clone of it like the PSA dagger), an AR-15, or a Ruger 10-22. I also recently got a commission from the talented artist glibnel ^^

Finally, as for the website, I changed the background image, and the music, but idk what else to do. I’m still waiting on someone to commission before working on my front home page.

Second Half: Mental Health Update and a Peek into my Mind

I will say, much like when I first tried Vyvanse, my depression has taken the back-burner. Yes the underlying issues are still there, but at least I’m not sulking in it and wallowing in sorrow ^^ I’m slowly working through the various issues I have.

One of which is me feeling like two different entities, a split personality kinda situation. I think its something of my own doing, but at this point I dont know anymore xD

I’m kinda shy about this because its really fucking personal, but i think its time I actually put my thoughts into words. Basically, there’s IRL me (my IRL legal name which I’ll refer to as Person A) and online furry me (Extocine) which I’ll refer to as Person B. When around family, co-workers, people I meet IRL, etc I fully embody A subconciously. When around my friends who know me as B, I fully embody personality B. My demeanor, vocal inflection, the words I say, my body language etc are different. I notice its easier for me to be B when actively on my ADHD medication, and B is much more positive, inquisitive, slower to come up with responses, succeptible to change in opinions, and is just generally a more cheerful person. B is alot more open emotionally, not afraid to spill the truth out there and be vulnerable, confident, makes friends easily, etc. Person A is alot more reserved, not afraid of small talk but seldom willing to go deeper and be intimate. Much more willing to simply conform and compromise to simply not stand out too much, almost NEVER mentions person B out of fear and inhibition, sometimes distant, never talks online much, etc. I guess i’ve always seperated person A & B for both privacy reasons (I dont wanna dox myself) but also as a defense mechanism. I’ve always wanted to put myself out there and be that confident guy who is not afraid to be himself, who doesnt care about whatever judgement comes his way, and I put all those values into B as a second layer I reveal only when online and anonymous. In a general sense, thats what my fursona Extocine M. Niviro is to me, an outer piece of armor disconnected from Person A that I can share and be myself without the fear of reprimand and consequences. Though this then gets into the question of, *why* do I seperate the two in the first place? I hide B to protect A from being judged, but why do I feel the need to protect A anyway? Which one is the “Real Me”, and what does that even mean!??

Now take all of that and throw it out the window because not only is Person B another personality of mine, he’s also an entirely seperate entity that I (Neither person A or B, or perhaps just A) can interact with. On good days, I am B, whenever I’m at my most joyful and productive. On other days, I end up talking to B as a close friend about my thoughts, feelings, desires (even sexual), etc. Especially now that I have a custom plushie of my fursona, on some days I just lie in bed and talk to him for hours, and sometimes even get physical like with cuddles. It’s gotten to a point where I dont even question it anymore, I dont feel embarrased or awkward for talking to my literal imaginary friend, it just feels nice to have someone to relate to and vibe with x3 _{man saying all of this out loud probably makes me look actually bonkers}. In this sense, I’m almost certain I started doing this because as a kid I struggled with fatal levels of lonliness and isolation, and having *something, anything* to talk to was better than nothing.

So in summary, Exto is:

- A personality trait of mine when Im happy and unashamed

- He’s a symbol and a guide of something I wanna become, like a role model

- He’s a defense mechanism and an outlet for me to be creative, open and uninhibited, mostly online as that’s where I’m able to be anonymous and have that degree of seperation

- A coping mechanism; a friend who’s there especially at times where I’m all alone (whether isolated IRL or just stuck in my own head) almost like a tulpa which I just recently discovered was a thing.

So basically not only do i have to deal with my various mental issues, but I ALSO have to figure out who’s doing what, and why 😭

Therapy today, lot we talked about alot, red blue purple model, false dichotomy fallacy, me constantly asking questions to distract from the answers, shit I don’t feel like getting into.

Some other shit thats on my mind, getting a romantic partner finally, life stressors like this speeding ticket I got, reevaluating my sexual values (seeing if they changed, why, and am I okay with the changes), budgeting my finances, etc. I gotta update my graph in minder with all the recent shit.