Nothing much going on right now :p

Lately it’s just been the same-old same-old. School’s more or less the same, work’s the same, life IRL has been the same. Although I have been going out less, don’t really have that many friends I can spend time with 😔

I have been finishing up various tasks/mini-projects here and there, and I’m definitely organizing myself better. Now that I have a decent markdown editor, I’ve been making notes exclusively in this format, which really helps incentivize me to keep writing x3 Before I hated having to pick a software, write what I wanna write, highlight the text, click a button to center it, do it again to embolden it, etc etc. When in markdown all i gotta do is throw in a # and I’m done x3

I still have a lot on my mind unfortunately, Currently the things on my mind are:

• My finances, I have like 5 subscriptions, 3 Monthly Car Bills, Credit card payments now, Tuition, and other general shit like vehicle maintenance, items for my various hobbies, paying for my various mental-health expenses, etc.
• My projects/hobbies, these days its mostly Tech, Music, and Drawing.
• Things I need to finish - Like my certs
• Staying on top of School
• Department changes in job 1
• What I’mma do when job 2 is out-of-season and I gotta find a replacement
• The extra responsibility I’mma need to take on in job 3
• Making friends, people I can vibe with and hang out with IRL
• Making the time to find a partner because I’m TIRED AS SHIT of being single xD
• Making time for my mental health, including meditation, therapy sessions, etc etc.

On a side note- WHY IS THE FURRY COMMUNITY ACTUALLY ASS AT TEACHING ART?? Legit with literally EVERY other hobby, skill, field, community, etc there’s resources out the ASS to help new-comers learn. Starting from square 0, in the span of a year and half in my graffiti art, I’ve gone from a skill level of -1 to a solid 7-8! I’m a self-taught musician, polyglot, 90% of my tech skills are self-taught, etc. But for some reason furry art is the ONE fucking thing that nobody seems to be even semi-competent in helping others. I’ve tried signing up for online courses, joined discord servers and forums, asked damn near every artist I know, gone through countless YouTube videos, scouered through guides, recommendations, charts and graphs, and yet I still have no idea how to draw after 6 or so years. In all that time only 2 people have actually helped me improve. I KNOW its not a skill issue or my fault cause again, in 1.5 years I damn near mastered a different art-form on my own. All the “advice” I hear from people are “Study anatomy” “Practice” “Don’t forget to look at references!” Like, actual brain dead retard ass advice, as if I haven’t heard that literally verbatim a thousand times before, It pisses me off so fucking badly. If advice on learning guitar was that enigmatic, I’d barely be able to strum up a chord atp. IF I HEAR ONE MORE DUMB ASS NIGGA TELL ME TO LOOK AT REFERENCES ONE MORE TIME IMMA— sigh… anywayyyyyy, if you have some genuine advice on how to improve, or a resources that isn’t “Draw a circle, now draw the rest of the head” I’mma legit send you $1000 or something, that deserves a prize XD

As of my mental health, more or less the same. Now that I’m writing shit down actually, I find my therapy sessions to be a bit more organized now that I have actual texts I can reflect on throughout the week and whatnot. I’m finding that I’m stuck between two choices: Accepting that life is objectively a curse (long explanation) and that nothing can change that, or that perusing a deeper connection with the metaphysical/spiritual side of things is the only real way out. The narcissist in me says that both are terrible tbh xD

To be perfectly honest though as things currently stand, I’m on the side of the former. I don’t really have much of a reason to care about existing, I genuinely don’t value life, no the joy doesn’t outweigh the good. Even in a perfect life where everything in the future goes my way, I’m just biding my time knowing full well that in the end it’s all ultimately pointless, making the world (albeit a noble cause) is a fruitless endeavor. We’re all gonna die, our legacies will be forgotten, and everything we cherish is doomed to fade into obscurity. So why even bother? x3 The ONLY two reasons I haven’t shot myself or jumped off a skyscraper yet is because I don’t wanna cause more pain on my family, and in the vague hopes that maybe I’m wrong and that there is an answer out there that can prove living is a good thing. That despite the fact suffering is a prerequisite of existence and that only guarantee life has is pain, it’s somehow worth it. The fact that I haven’t lost my mind yet is a testament to how great the vyvanse is working for me XD Yes all the underlying problems are still very much there, but at least I’m not dwelling in sorrow as I was before, and it at least masks the depression that my mind seems to default to. Like, I have depression, but I’m not depressed, which is better than nothing I guess???

Anyway, drink baja blast, taxation is theft, and don’t forget to say E to your loved ones today :3