★ 1/11/26
Adding a new cursour to the website, adding myself to a new webring, and might update the landing page a bit more. I wanna draw some art for it, and add images on the sides of the boxes like guitars and whatnot. The color Scheme definitely will change too, as i dont love it too much in its current state tbh. Also figuring out how to add a "Youre the Xth visitor to this website". On neocities its easy, but idk how to go about it on the self-hosted version
★ 1/8/26 Part 1
Pretty much woken up and wasted my whole fucking day doing absolutely nothing except indulge and waste my life away. I hate when im like this, unable to focus or have the motivation to do things that i Really need to get done. Literally setting time aside to be as productive as possible, driving to places that help me focus, just to sit on my ass and watch youtube videos from 2018.
I've also lately been dealing with suicidal thoughts again. Not really contemplating or planing on doing it, but as the days go by i cant help but just ponder what death would feel like, and wishing i was never born. I'm still dealing with nihilism and wrestling against my flesh vs mind.
I've gotta get another job soon, prepare for the upcomming semester (and im already hella behind on that), schedule another therapy session, and a plethora of other shit i gotta get done soon. I swear i wish there was a drug out there that would just help me lock tf in for a few hours and help me get shit done.
I've also been feeling really, unsure of myself now, in my abilities. I've just been feeling really mentally slow lately, sluggish, and depressed about the passage of time. I'm only gonna grow older and its only gonna get harder from here, which i am NOT looking forward to.
(Damn this guy yaps alot)
Its recently dawned on me too that the root of my
suicidal thoughts is laziness. Ive kinda understood now that the classical 7 deadly sins are sins that will literally kill a person or end their life if left unchecked. For me, its probably sloth, me coming to the terms that I would literally rather
end my own fucking life than live a hard/strenuous life. Laziness has taken away my sanity, grades, future endeavours, passion for life, and will take me if left unchecked. Its the classic case of being a slave to one's self, the mind/me fighting one's fleshly desires.
In psychology, the brain is a biological mechanism that has evolved to protect itself from pain and discomfort. For example, it sends pain signals when touching fire to discourage you from burning yourself. The problem is, the brain is TOO good at its job, and will try to "protect" us even in irrational cases. For example, protect someone from the pain and discomfort of exercising, even at the cost of worsening health in the future. I'm caught in this trap too, the pain my brain is protecting me from: actually working hard. The cost is:
my literal life, my mental health, my sanity, and my future It's a trap that I dont know how to get out of, and I'm hoping therapy will give me the answers...
★ 1/8/26 Part 2
I recently kinda bit the bullet and made a hinge account. On one hand, im sooo damn tired of being single!! I wanna frickin fall in love and get married already!! To just have someone who always has your back, who you can let loose and be your raw self with, someone you can hold hands with and watch the world burn together, someone to hold tightly in the passion of the night... I wanna find my person and build a life with them, go exploring the world and eachother together and whatnot. And it would be nice to not have to jerk off all the time, and to have someone i can be an absolute horny freak with for a change >:3c. Seriously i just wanna fucking dump out all my pent up passion, love, and lust onto some fucking bf/gf that has no idea what they signed up for. Not having to day in day out bottle up these emotions... NGL I dont think anyone could pepare having to deal with my crazy ass xD Although i absolutely fucking HATE the modern dating scene (shallow people, mfs who just want sex, immaturity, the apps, etc), I feel like its a nessecary evil to actually find a prospective partner.
On the other hand tho, I think still should work on myself more and not force anything to happen. I should on some level be content with myself and not feel like i NEED a partner. Relationships in general aren't exactly the most intelectually stimulating persuit out there.
I guess its just the age old debate of reconciling the dichotomy of man, a battle between my carnality and intelectuality, a battle of my flesh and mind
I've also been dabbling with Ai stuff lately with my own fursona! Before you ask, YES I KNOW AI ART ISNT REAL ART AND YES IVE BEEN LEARNING TO DRAW. I just wanted to experiment with shit, i got a really good GPU and i wanted to see what i could do with it x3c
Basically, for non tech folks, I downloaded ChatGPT. Im locally hosting the software, no AI data centers, no scraping the internet for images, no wasting water. Its all 100% offline and used on my personal gaming computer. If its just my own fursona with my own art on my own machine that im using for strictly personal use, I dont think there's too much harm in that :3
Here's an example of what it can do:
Its also really good with nsfw stuff too >w>. Ngl, I only use AI 90% of the time for horny reasons. If you wanna see an exmaple, go to my non-neocities website (extocine.com NOT extocine.neocities.com) and click this link (!!THIS IMAGE IS EXPLICIT AND ASSUMUES YOU ARE AT LEAST 18+ TO VIEW!!):
★ 1/5/26
Changed the song on the website. Dire Dire Docks got a lil boring. Hopefully the length wont cause lag x3c
★ 1/4/26
Its already day 4 of 2026. Ive performed some more live music lately, and thats been a very humbling experience x3 I know im a good musician, but now I'm playing against some real big-wigs, so that means I gotta step up!
I gotta prepare for next semester of school, organize my discord list, and other chores i gotta get done. The hard part about having so manby hobbies, is that you always wanna improve on all of them at once XD I wanna practice my guitar, my graffiti art (pieces and can control), furry art, and piano right now. And i gotta update my personal IRL website too, a complete stylization re-haul. I think imma add myself to some more webrings too. I'll just paste them here:
- https://qtbeans.neocities.org/artistsonline
- https://nicois.gay/amiga/members
★ 12/31/25
Welp, its that time of year again! Going into the big 26. I hope the great meme reset happens and there'll be no more 67 jokes ^^
In all serious though, I dont have high hopes for next year. I guess thats just the nihilism in me talking. 2025 has been an eventful year for me, and i do sincerely hope 2026 is alot more stable and fruitful than 2025. I hope for better finances, better mental clarity, and a big dick boyfriend who's hella cute >w>.
Today, i bought hella alcohol and ammunition for the celebration, and im gonna have a great night tonight!
Happy new years to everyone!! Dont drive drunk >:O
★ 12/28/25
Gonna add an '/art' page to host all of my self-made art. I also changed the song again, created a frutiger aero theme for the landing page, made it toggle-able, and added more blinkies on the bottom too :3
★ 12/28/25
I kinda finished my landing page ^^ Its still a work in progress and nothing is set in stone. I think I am finished with the formatting, im just workign on style and looks for now. I wanna add other elements into it, and i might possibly change the theme too. I also added the changes into my neocities site as well. Im probably gonna add more blinkies at the bottom. Im also probably gonna add a button on the home page to switch from the current theme, to a frutiger aero theme. I know for new-commers, the sudden switch in asthetic might be jarring nwn. As for this info page, I wanna add more, but idk what yet!! Pls gimmie some suggestions folks 🥺
I swear the more i work on this website the more i realize that im never gonna be satisfied. Itll probably never be truly complete x3c
★ 12/27/25
Recently went on a 1 day trip to San Antonio to meet up with a friend and lets just say we had a good 'bonding experience x3' .
I didn't get any present this year because of our family's financial situation, but I still had a good time! Christmas isnt about the presents anyway.
I also got to perform live music at this venue, went to the gun range, and even got to do some Graff, which I haven't done in a long time x3. Life's been really hectic and busy lately and its kind hard keeping track of everything thats been happening.
Also The website is back to the old Frutiger Aero theme with a different wallpaper! Im Gonna Update my neocities site to reflect the changes soon enough
★ 12/22/25
Working on my landing page aka the home page aka extocine.com/
Right now im working on the layout, and then imma add in the various elemetns to make it pretty. Idk what theme I wanna go for yet, but we'll see! If you wanna see my actual IRL Progress click here!
★ 12/18/2025
Recently gotten out of school, met some cool new people (Im looking at you mocha2), and caught the 'bug' with Linux ricing again. Right now im setting up my new terminal to look all sexy, might consider switching from nano to neovim, and switching from DWM to hyperland or something. Trying to maximize my set up for Peak HTML TUI efficiency. Ive got absolutely no money for this Christmas season, but hopefully itll still be fun to enjoy ^^
As for inner me, life has still been feeling pretty meh lately, not black, not white, just awash with grey and neutrality. Usually the holidays are a time of warmth and excitement for me, but not this year for some reason. Oh well, regardless the show must go on!!
★ 12/8/2025
Mature Content Warning (hence the spoiler):
penis
★ 12/03/2025
extocine.com but christmas themed!! Changed the images, cursour effects, and colors.
★ 12/3/25
If youre ever overwhelmed with hella shit on ur mind, make a chart!! I love to use Minder to help organize the complicated ass mess that is my head. I made a chart to map out Everything that is going on inside my head, and it allows me to tackle one issue at a time. Instead of dealing with 1000 problems at once, im dealing with 100 bite-sized problems i can tackle at my own pace.
(I dont care that this image is bitcrunched to hell, you get the point x3)
★ 12/2/25
I just had the idea of dedicating 1 day a week or so to do nothing but hone in my craft in a certain subject. Whether that be making charts of my thoughts, practicing musical scales, drawing a few dozen times, or learning a few dozen words in a new language, I can slowly creep towards perfection. Even Einstein took years to get to his level, im not gonna solve the world in a day, and i shouldn't beat myself up for not being able to solve everything at once.After binging philosophy videos on youtube, doing alot of self reflection, and talking to a person I hold dear to me, I've made the realization that everything that has ever happened to me is my fault, I am smart enough to solve these questions on my own, and if im not, i have the strength to find someone who can. Bad traits and negative feelings, trauma, all of it is in my control, i am the master of my universe so to speak. I think imma start making charts again to help organize the complicated mess that is my brain. I know the root of all my problems is the brain mind dichotomy, the biological machine vs the soul and ego that is me. Once i have complete mastery of that, ill literally be unstoppable. I really hope this newfound hope will persist ^w^
★ 12/1/25
Ive been noticing life has been really gray for me lately. I got the job ive been searching for which is nice, but I've emotionally been struggling. I still feel lonely despite being surrounded by friends who "supposedly care about me". Nobody it seems wants to talk to me or spend time with me, I feel stagnant like im wasting my life away, and that i have no one I can relate to. Even the holiday season has lost all its magic and I'm still somehow Still fawning over a particular person (you know who you are), I thought ive shaken that off but i guess not xD
Wish me luck that I have the drive to give my life some desperately needed warmth, to find the people/person i need, to persue my dreams, and to study my philosphy more thoroughly enough to dig myself out of this nihilistic depression.
Anywayyy- I feel like i wanna add some more features to my website but idk what yet. Guess im gonna have to go on a neocity rabbit hole to get some inspiration ^^
★ 11/5/25
Adding myself to a webring and made a gif for myself 
★ 11/03/25
This site is gonna be a perpetual work in progress I see x3
Every time I browse other websites I get the urge to incorporate cool shit into this one. Tonight i think imma work on adding cursour effects, a new song, and possible other goodies. I also wanna figure out how to set something up where whenever I update my self-hosted site, tne neocities version also gets the same update
★ 10/30/25
On hallow's eve, decided to add more to the website! Finally added a proper blog section, and the guestbook below for people to stop by and say something (yes i read all the messages). Slowly building my lil slice of heaven on this godforsaken internet that we have in the 2020's.
★ 08/26/25
Still dealing with Nihilism, Procrastination and Finances. I'm in a better state of mind and am currently taking steps to further improve my psyche. Still learning more on a personal philosophical journey... Still updating the website! Just added a files page, a discord page and a secret ad page too >w>
★ 08/02/25
no im not okay
★ 7/21/25
I decided to revamp my website to fit a 2000's frutiger aero theme after taking inspiration from several neocities! (This website is the neocities version, go here for the self-hosted version).
If you wanna see what the origial page looked like, click here
